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Writing by TwilightPoetess

Literature by pomohippie7

Prosetry and Others by ingle-nook

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Submitted on
August 5, 2011
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1.2 KB


58 (who?)
When I was four
I'd follow you into the bathroom
on sticky feet,

press my little bird hands
into the back pockets of your jeans
while you were washing dishes
at the sink,

babbling on: Mommy, Mommy,
I love you.

Then there was the youth
who played Simon Says
to your aerobic routine.

I took jumps to your steps,
laughing as I tripped,
I wanted to go
where you went

I practiced to be
who you were.

The world split sideways
and I stumbled out
a teen traumatized
by the gory birth.

I'd've sworn you did it to me:
the red plague of my face,
the heartache,
the inexplicable serrating rage,

I beat at you as an extension
of self.

These years are quieter
and the miles between us ache
for your back pockets again,

to be in my adolescent womb,
that dumpy-brown carpeted house
with the over eager rose bushes,

all those rooms where I'd scream
Mommy! I love you!

Poem for a Motherby vespera

Literature / Poetry / Family Life / Free Verse©2011-2014 vespera
ACCEPTED to voxpoetica: [link]

Hear me read the poem: [link]

When I read Bee's [link] earlier my heart went out to her. I wrote this meaning to write a poem to say hey, it does get better. there's going to be "I hate you's" and there will be inexplicable rage, and you will be the target, but someday she's going to wake up and you'll be one of her best friends but it also ended up being a poem for my mother. But it gets better. I promise.

***edit 4/27 - minor edits
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This is beautiful; you took my heart in your hand and carried it through a memory of my life with my mother...and I desperately wish for her back pockets again. You have done something all of us writers strive to do; you have made your words alive, created emotion that impacts on so many levels. I loved the way you described hitting the teen years as a gory birth. We do go through the throws in our teens, striving for adulthood while our toes are still in the captured the pull, then push, then pull again of our relationships with our parents, and particularly with our mothers, perfectly.
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

I really enjoyed the beginning of this piece - the first two paragraphs are tidy and have a nice emotional feel behind them. As I continue to read your style slips a little bit but I think that it still works really nicely throughout the verse. I stumbled a little over I'd've ... I've never seen that written before and I think you should consider perhaps splitting it up to make it fit in better.

I like the use of serrating - I get what you're trying to describe there, but unfortunately I don't think it's a word. You could perhaps go with serrated though?

I like how the ending is approached with a reflection back to the beginning, that's a really nice touch. I think the caps at the end sort of ruin it for me, but the phrasing is good. For a stronger touch why not consider Mommy, I love you ?

Overall a really nice read, thank you for sharing. :)
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 10 deviants thought this was fair.

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Eremitik Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014
It gets even better when you finally realize that your parents dont have all  the answers and are just winging it as best they can, much like you do.
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I don't know. That sounds a bit frightening!
Eremitik Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2014
Ya, tell me about it. Basically, it boils down to taking responsibility and following through.
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013   Writer
:+fav: It does get better, on that (mother and daughter relationships) and regarding the talent you show here -- I agree with both you and several others who read this piece. You present it very well in those few words really good poets can put together to say things prose writers take a lot more words to say. Thank you. :+fav:
vespera Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :heart:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013   Writer
leyghan Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Featured [link] :)
leyghan Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is so very lovely. :heart:
vespera Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: TY! It's a personal favorite of mine
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Writer
Now I miss my Mommie even more....this is a lovely poem. :heart:
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