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When I was four
I'd follow you into the bathroom
on sticky feet,

press my little bird hands
into the back pockets of your jeans
while you were washing dishes
at the sink,

babbling on: Mommy, Mommy,
I love you.



Then there was the youth
who played Simon Says
to your aerobic routine.

I took jumps to your steps,
laughing as I tripped,
I wanted to go
where you went

I practiced to be
who you were.



The world split sideways
and I stumbled out
a teen traumatized
by the gory birth.

I'd've sworn you did it to me:
the red plague of my face,
the heartache,
the inexplicable serrating rage,

I beat at you as an extension
of self.



These years are quieter
and the miles between us ache
for your back pockets again,

to be in my adolescent womb,
that dumpy-brown carpeted house
with the over eager rose bushes,

all those rooms where I'd scream
Mommy! I love you!
ACCEPTED to voxpoetica: [link]


Hear me read the poem: [link]

When I read Bee's [link] earlier my heart went out to her. I wrote this meaning to write a poem to say hey, it does get better. there's going to be "I hate you's" and there will be inexplicable rage, and you will be the target, but someday she's going to wake up and you'll be one of her best friends but it also ended up being a poem for my mother. But it gets better. I promise.


***edit 4/27 - minor edits
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:iconerziban:
This is beautiful; you took my heart in your hand and carried it through a memory of my life with my mother...and I desperately wish for her back pockets again. You have done something all of us writers strive to do; you have made your words alive, created emotion that impacts on so many levels. I loved the way you described hitting the teen years as a gory birth. We do go through the throws in our teens, striving for adulthood while our toes are still in the nursery....you captured the pull, then push, then pull again of our relationships with our parents, and particularly with our mothers, perfectly.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconkaz-d:
I really enjoyed the beginning of this piece - the first two paragraphs are tidy and have a nice emotional feel behind them. As I continue to read your style slips a little bit but I think that it still works really nicely throughout the verse. I stumbled a little over I'd've ... I've never seen that written before and I think you should consider perhaps splitting it up to make it fit in better.

I like the use of serrating - I get what you're trying to describe there, but unfortunately I don't think it's a word. You could perhaps go with serrated though?

I like how the ending is approached with a reflection back to the beginning, that's a really nice touch. I think the caps at the end sort of ruin it for me, but the phrasing is good. For a stronger touch why not consider Mommy, I love you ?

Overall a really nice read, thank you for sharing. :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 10 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014
It gets even better when you finally realize that your parents dont have all  the answers and are just winging it as best they can, much like you do.
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:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I don't know. That sounds a bit frightening!
Reply
:iconeremitik:
Eremitik Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2014
Ya, tell me about it. Basically, it boils down to taking responsibility and following through.
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013   Writer
:+fav: It does get better, on that (mother and daughter relationships) and regarding the talent you show here -- I agree with both you and several others who read this piece. You present it very well in those few words really good poets can put together to say things prose writers take a lot more words to say. Thank you. :+fav:
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you :heart:
Reply
:iconxlntwtch:
xlntwtch Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013   Writer
:iconyourewelcomesignplz:
Reply
:iconleyghan:
leyghan Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Featured [link] :)
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:iconleyghan:
leyghan Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is so very lovely. :heart:
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: TY! It's a personal favorite of mine
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Writer
Now I miss my Mommie even more....this is a lovely poem. :heart:
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:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
aw :heart: :hug:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Professional Writer
:hug:
Reply
:iconpossumfan:
PossumFan Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love this. It makes my heart deeply ache... This. Is a good thing..

+ fave

Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: TY
Reply
:iconpossumfan:
PossumFan Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. :heart:
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012
Serrating, good word!
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:love: why thank you! my spell check did not agree with me, and I said: word, some day Mr. Webster will accept you ;)
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012
poetic license for the win!
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:giggle:

too bad you can't go around making things up in all corners of life, eh?
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
haha, I do. Even in my personal statement to university I made up a word and thought... meh. thats the word I want.
Still got in.
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
They probably realized that the rest of your grammar/etc was spot on so you made a conscious decision. Then they probably respected you for it.
Reply
:iconbloodshotink:
BloodshotInk Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
I hope so. It was risky! haha. :D
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:D I don't think anybody ever "made it' being safe ;)

I should probably take more risks XD
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconjessicaconk:
jessicaconk Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This makes me tear up.
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I hope in a good way :)
Reply
:iconjessicaconk:
jessicaconk Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yes and no. I love and tear for the problems with my own mother, but by itself, it's such a beautiful poem
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
aw :heart:
Reply
:iconiampoetry:
iamPoetry Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Being a mother myself, this is touching.
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:) Thank you
Reply
:iconkissthesunrise:
KissTheSunrise Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012
Very nice. I heard you read it and another poem you wrote called "This Is Depression". I admire you hugely for reading and posting them both. I wish you'd read slower with more intonation in your voice, enunciating the words as they sounded in your head when you wrote them, so we can hear the experience.
After all, you're a poet. :heart:
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconkissthesunrise:
KissTheSunrise Featured By Owner Sep 13, 2012
You're quite welcome. It was my pleasure. =)
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This makes me wanna go hug my momma. (:
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wanna hug my mommy :(
Reply
:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I wish-eth you could, lady. :(
Reply
:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very moving...
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Totally inappropriate, but now I have She Bangs stuck in my head.
Reply
:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Now you're hittin' my heart like a drum, yeah baby!
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Okay, now it's Austin Powers

[link]
Reply
:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Gawd, he cracks me up every time. (And Liz Hurley..... :hump:)
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
What ever happened to Liz? I haven't seen her around lately.
Reply
:icontonepainter:
tonepainter Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
A couple of years ago, she had this mega-$$$$ wedding to a mega rich Indian guy. They've split, apparently. Haven't heard of anything about her otherwise.
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:( She must be busy with her fashion line.
Reply
:iconschriftsteller:
schriftsteller Featured By Owner Apr 28, 2012   Writer
I read this twice. I'm trying to formulate my thoughts correctly because this hit so deeply in me. I feel like I've been gushing all over your poems and not getting into how they work, so I'm going to try and do that here.

I think every child/teenager/adult goes through this with their parents, but especially girls and their mothers. There's such a strange shift that happens the minute we hit puberty and it comes out of nowhere. I think you captured that perfectly, especially by only using one stanza for it. If you'd used more I think it would be an entirely different poem. The way you wrapped it back into adulthood is great too-- bringing in the first stanzas and how we all come "full circle" (I hate that saying!) with our mothers. Overall, I think it's fantastic and lovely and perfect.

Also-- who gives a fuck if serrating isn't a word? IT SHOULD BE. (I secretly do this all the time and wonder if people notice. HA)
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner May 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I make up words alllllll the time. My feeling on that is - if nobody made them up, our dictonaries would grow stale.

This is one of those poems I may never have written without the community here. Isn't that funny? Something I should have told my mom years ago only came out when I saw another deviant fretting.
Reply
:iconanarkhos:
Anarkhos Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I have absolutely always wanted to write a poem for my mother, but have never ever managed to get more than two lines on paper. Maybe I'm just not there yet, but this is lovely, and if I can get something half as good out of me I'll be damn proud.
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
It took me a long time to write one, too... it's an awful lot to take on!
Reply
:iconanarkhos:
Anarkhos Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah. I'm going to try and start by writing a poem about my grandma because that's easier and less complicated, and if I can get that out, then I'll try my mum.
Reply
:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
i've always had a hard time writing for my grandparents, also... i guess family, in general...
Reply
:iconanarkhos:
Anarkhos Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I have hard time writing anything that's specifically about/for someone, because I feel like they'll read it (which they clearly wont) and be all like bitch please I didn't mean it like that and that'll somehow throw the whole thing off.
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