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August 5, 2012
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I had forgotten for so long why I sang,
so many, my song turned into tumbled
bedsheets, bodies strewn,
nectar of a kiss overdone.

The lonely hoot low and languished,
I loved, My Love, I loved strong
and solid, the hollow notes,
the lonesome bones.

Crow, she came and whispered in my ear,
said your song is lovely dear,
take a feather from my wing, we beat
somewhat the same
.

But the song, it was the same,
beneath the shadow of the bat, as
the love of a man
I nearly slew.

When she would call, month's later
the chiming at my ear, o' my heart
my little heart,
I heard her and she was me,

and I, without us, her little
black wings, my greedy perch, months
I'd call back, filter through the poems
I hear your notes in me.

Some nights she whispered love stories
of a girl, small-handed
across the mountains, a candid song
of love and loss

and loving loss, that which learns
to rumble after.  She wrote of you,
far across, the distance
a somber color.

O, I listened to her song and did not believe,
the days yet unbroken in
the singing, love marching
imperialistically

on.  The plow, the grain,
the rainmaker's songs, You
yet a thing of myth,
the trickster, great lover.

Coyote, I confess, I pressed my ear
to your poems and quieted,
the raven drawn by a curious
gleaming in the dark,

I decided to taste the water of your pool
learned what would rip
Moon from Sun, asunder-
the cry,

the depth of the heart-howl,
the handsome song of seeking,
the fieriest love, the
unrequited,

your song, the ever changing ballad.

Before you: the mimicked hoot,
the sweet finch trill, no-
I could not sing the truest notes
before I heard you howl.
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:iconchadwood:
~chadwood May 3, 2013   Writer
Well deserved publication. Awesome write.
Reply
:iconvespera:
`vespera May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:love:
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:icontaralitha:
Absolutely beautiful.
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:iconvespera:
`vespera May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thanks! :D
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:iconraffskaztic:
How does a person critique this? Am I supposed to find fault with it? Point out individual lines that shout at me? I couldn't say anything at all is the matter with this poem, it's beautiful, but critics often criticize the things they love, it would be possible, conceivably, to criticize something that is entirely without fault, but I have trouble. Describing words with other words. Never read a word of criticism on poetry, except in poetry as a facet of rock music, in some rock crits whom I love. This is too beautiful. And you're some kind of published poet, that rare creature, and yet you find community, or something, here, share your work with all these freeloading no-names (myself included, not derogatory, I think I might be being (be being be being) ironic), and you ask for something hard to give, what's the best you could hope for?

OKAY. just a thought here. Look at this: [link]. And I'm not talking about some stupid trade-off here, I'd love to critique this but wouldn't know where to begin. Show me how to criticize, pick apart and point out the aspects of a particular poem, poetry. Critique that. Give me some idea.
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:iconvespera:
`vespera Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: TY!

XD I generally shy away from critiquing rhyming verse as it's not a strong point of mine and I do strongly prefer free verse
Reply
:iconvespera:
`vespera Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
that second one is more of the style that I usually critique, but honestly, I'm not really sure what it means so I don't think a critique would be overly helpful?

The first one I think you should try to record as a spoke voice or submit to :iconelocutionists:
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:iconraffskaztic:
hm. mkay. Yeah it's a bit, uhm. Okay. Maybe I'll just take a stab at critiquing yours.

Iono. You think this stuff is half-way decent at least? I guess I am sorta starved for any sort of response, I get few comments, is it because I so often write such nonsensical stuff? Is that a negative thing in your view? Did you enjoy those two things, at all?
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:iconvespera:
`vespera Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I like the first one, but would like it better performed, I think - you have it as lyrics, so I think you also feel that way?

The second I like, but on the sound and structure level. I didn't understand the meaning, and that was a bit frustrating to me. I just don't feel like I can help critique it b/c I don't know what you were trying to say and these three sentences would be my full critique LOL.
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